College is about discovering who you are. From day one, the foundation of my education and my self-discovery was set in courses on communication theory. It was a requirement for me to study topics like the principles of communications theory, and communications and interpersonal behavior for my major, but it was almost as if these courses were necessary to open me up to terminology that would become all too relevant to my life and relationships within it.
Life can be a mental game. The introvert that I was needed some mental coaching to learn how to come out of my shell and find out who I was, all while being just about as culture shocked as it gets for a sheltered, small-town girl at a big university. The most basic coursework in communications theory taught me a few terms that rang true deep in the core of my being. The first came from a lecture on the identities we take on in relationships. A “pursuer” is someone who fears independence and has trouble giving others space in relationships. As an over achiever with big dreams who grew up in the competitive environment of figure skating, “fearing independence” definitely didn’t seem applicable. Studying the term further, I learned that pursuers also are people who always want to give more, who always go along with the plans of other people, who are caretaking of others but not of themselves. Pursuers often have weak personal boundaries that are grounds for abuse.
The next term I learned came from the same lecture. A “distancer” feels entitled to having their needs fulfilled by others. They see giving as a type of smothering or obligation. They need to be in control to make decisions, always need to be right, and have no tolerance for disloyalty. Upon learning this term, I couldn’t find a way to relate it to my life. That’s because pursuers are people pleasers and may not see the warning signs that distancers throw up at first. It took me three and a half years before I learned to listen to what I wanted and put an end to being manipulated and walked all over by the strong, persuasive opinions of others.
You see, volatile relationships can have heated arguments and not be hostile. That’s something else I learned in my core communications coursework. While I don’t think that distancers are necessarily hostile, I know from experience that they will not budge on their standpoints and will cut out anyone or anything in their life that threatens to stray from their beliefs. Dialectical tensions are a sign that a relationship is failing. Being a people-pleasing pursuer, I never had this to worry about until I started standing up for myself. When keeping the peace had finally exhausted me, I decided that I would no longer let others tell me what to do or what to believe. I would no longer blindly follow them for fear of making things awkward or ruining friendships. Dialectical tensions can be logical arguments of certainty versus uncertainty. I could no longer see the logic behind what I was defending anymore. I would no longer be told what to do or what to think. Not even my closest friends could stray me from being my own person. I have opinions too, so I finally let them be heard.
Some relationships compliment my life in an “opposites attract” kind of way. However, most of my closest and truest friendships are formed on the “great minds think alike” basis of similarities. When the complimentary styles of contradicting individuals are not too different, they can be the best of friends. When the differences have to do with issues of religion, values, and morals, the relationships often fail. The people pleaser inside of me never let this stand in the way. I have always been the one to make compromises and give up everything I thought or wanted. Not anymore.
Crediting my journey of self-discover in college, I owe many thanks and one apology. First, thank you to those that taught me how to stand up for myself. Thank you for testing my limits throughout my undergraduate career and for competing against me, forcing me to be the best that I could be. Thank you to all the distancers and to anyone else who has ever tried to control me. Thank you for pushing me to my breaking point, leading me to develop enough self-respect to finally put an end to it. Thank you for showing me which relationships would help and which would hinder my life. The only apology I owe is to myself. I’m sorry that it took my entire college career for me to reach this epiphany.
Some relationships compliment my life in an “opposites attract” kind of way. However, most of my closest and truest friendships are formed on the “great minds think alike” basis of similarities. When the complimentary styles of contradicting individuals are not too different, they can be the best of friends. When the differences have to do with issues of religion, values, and morals, the relationships often fail. The people pleaser inside of me never let this stand in the way. I have always been the one to make compromises and give up everything I thought or wanted. Not anymore.
Crediting my journey of self-discover in college, I owe many thanks and one apology. First, thank you to those that taught me how to stand up for myself. Thank you for testing my limits throughout my undergraduate career and for competing against me, forcing me to be the best that I could be. Thank you to all the distancers and to anyone else who has ever tried to control me. Thank you for pushing me to my breaking point, leading me to develop enough self-respect to finally put an end to it. Thank you for showing me which relationships would help and which would hinder my life. The only apology I owe is to myself. I’m sorry that it took my entire college career for me to reach this epiphany.
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